Repairing the Soil of Your Relationship by Cultivating Safety
Inspired by Dr. Ken McGill’s Cultivating Love Book Series
In every thriving garden, the health of the soil determines the strength of what grows. The same is true in our relationships.
In Dr. Ken McGill’s Cultivating Love series, particularly Becoming a Safe Person, we are reminded that if we desire optimal growth in the garden of our marriage and family life, we must first cultivate safety. Safety is not a secondary virtue—it is a prime ingredient in creating change, facilitating healing, and accomplishing lasting growth in the crucible of real life.
The essential question becomes:
Are you a safe person?
Are you cultivating safety in your relationship so that you, your spouse, and your family might experience the healing of your land by God?
“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray…” (2 Chronicles 7:14)
Safety invites healing. Safety prepares the soil.
What Does It Mean to Be a Safe Person?
Drawing from Ephesians 4:1–5:2, Dr. McGill outlines characteristics of individuals who cultivate relational safety. These are not personality traits reserved for a select few; they are spiritual disciplines formed in partnership with God.
As you prayerfully reflect, consider asking the Holy Spirit to reveal areas where growth is needed. Jesus reminds us in John 15:5 that apart from Him we can do nothing—but abiding in Him produces fruit.
Safe people:
- Practice humility
- Take responsibility for their emotions
- Resolve conflict rather than avoid it
- Eliminate self-sabotaging behaviors
- Speak the truth in love
- Invite feedback
- Cultivate intimacy responsibly
- Forgive and pursue restoration
Becoming safe is not about perfection. It is about measurable, credible, Spirit-led change.
My Personal Journey: Becoming Safe When My Marriage Ended
I do not write about this merely as a coach or pastor. I write as someone who had to walk it.
When my marriage ended in divorce, I faced a sobering reality: I could not control another person’s choices—but I could take responsibility for my own growth.
During that season, I received counsel and training through Dr. McGill. What I learned shifted my entire perspective. Instead of focusing on how unsafe others had been, I began asking a far more transformative question:
How can I become a safe person?
At first, that question felt unfair. I was grieving. I was wounded. I was rebuilding. Yet the Holy Spirit gently showed me that cultivating safety was not about saving a marriage that had already ended—it was about restoring my own soul.
I applied the same principles:
- I sought honest feedback.
- I addressed self-sabotaging patterns.
- I confronted my own emotional triggers.
- I surrendered bitterness.
- I committed to consistent, measurable behavioral change.
Slowly, something profound happened.
I became a safe person for myself.
Then for my children and family.
Then for my community.
Safety transformed my leadership, my ministry, and my friendships. It changed how I communicated. It deepened my humility. It softened my tone. It strengthened my boundaries.
And then—four years later—God did something beautiful.
The Lord brought a “Boaz” into my Bible study group.
Not because I was searching.
Not because I was striving.
But because the soil had been cultivated.
When two safe people meet, the relationship does not have to be forced. It grows naturally in healthy soil.
Becoming safe did not just prepare me for future love. It prepared me to live anchored, whole, and aligned with God regardless of my relationship status.
The Transformative Process
Dr. McGill often uses the concept of phytoremediation—plants detoxifying contaminated soil—to illustrate relational healing. In the same way, safety detoxifies wounded environments.
But it requires intention.
Becoming a safe person means:
- Eliminating bitterness, rage, and toxic patterns
- Refusing passive-aggressive or manipulative behaviors
- Speaking truth without weaponizing it
- Repairing quickly when we cause harm
- Living guided by spiritual truth and the power of the Holy Spirit
How Safety Helps Relationships Heal
We were not created to cause pain. Through the mercy and power of the Holy Spirit, we are able to cultivate love.
And when people feel safe:
- They open their hearts.
- They heal.
- They grow.
- They flourish.
An Invitation to Reflection
As you consider your own journey, prayerfully ask:
- Where have I been unsafe in subtle or significant ways?
- What behaviors must I surrender?
- Who do I need to invite into my growth process?
- What measurable changes would rebuild trust?
- How can I cultivate environments where others feel emotionally and spiritually secure?
When You’re Ready for Support
Healing from betrayal, divorce or relational wounds is not something you have to walk through alone.
As you grow and rebuild trust in your life, having someone to walk with you can make the process clearer and less overwhelming.
At Grace Intel Coaching, I work with women who are seeking healing, clarity, and a healthier way forward as they rebuild their lives and relationships through faith.
You may not be able to control another person’s willingness to grow.
But you can cultivate your own soil.
And when you do, love—healthy, Spirit-led love—has room to flourish.
The garden is worth tending.
Safety is where love begins.
